in tragedy there is alway light

Yesterday at 2.15pm my grandmother passed away. She was the last of my grandparents to go and my son’s great-grandmother.

It was a very sad day indeed. Without going into the details because frankly, I am not ready to tell that story, I want to acknowledge the life of my grandmother by expressing my gratitude and love for her.

To my grandma Emma,

Thank you for the life you made possible for me. Without you grandma, I wouldn’t have arrived in this time and place, in this body and in this life.

I may have come into this world housed in another body, but that would have come with a whole other set of experiences and circumstances. Despite the struggles and the pain I have encountered I am proud of the person I’ve become. I have you to thank for this.

It is through you and your amazingly resilient daughter, my own mother, that I can experience this blessed life. And, I wouldn’t know the incredible joy it is to be a mother myself. I wouldn’t know how fortunate I am to have so much love around me.

Speaking of love, thank you for loving yourself enough to have the courage to brave the storms and the war-torn times in the hope of a better life for yourself and the family that would soon be blessed by your presence. Thank you for your strength and your smile and your humour.

When I arrived at your bedside yesterday, I only had to glance at you briefly to know that your spirit had already moved on. What I saw was your physical body, a mere shell, barely holding on. I knew it wouldn’t be long before the pain was gone and you would be set free. But, were you waiting?

I think you were. You were waiting for your family to gather one last time to say ‘goodbye’ to you. But somehow I couldn’t bring myself to say that to you. Instead I said, ‘See you soon’, as I always did after each visit. Did you see the photos of Sammy and Eric I showed to you? I hope so. They love you too and I know that they wished they could be there by your side. Thank you for waiting for me.

I am so sorry I didn’t wait long enough to see you off but it was time for Sammy to go home. Even though he’s barely 25 months old he sensed the immense sadness and grief felt by everyone so his aunty took him outside into the fresh air. Mom, and later his cousin, took turns playing with him which gave me the opportunity to sit with you and hold your hand. As it turned out our leaving meant that the rest of your family, Mom especially, was free to go back in to your room and be there when your light finally faded. I am grateful for that.

It was only ten minutes after we left that I learned you had moved on. But you knew that, didn’t you? I noticed the sun peeking through the heavy blanket of clouds in the sky. Was that you grandma?  

With love and fond memories of your light.

Your eldest granddaughter,

Lee-Anne

in tragedy there is always light, we only need to look closely to find it